Let me share something deeply personal with you. Five years ago, I sat in my car outside my best friend’s house, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white, wrestling with the news that she had been secretly dating my ex-husband for months. That moment taught me that discovering how to forgive someone who hurt you isn’t just about saying the words “I forgive you” – it’s about embarking on a journey that will test every fiber of your being.
Trust me, I get it. Right now, you might be carrying around hurt that feels too heavy to put down. Maybe it’s the parent who wasn’t there when you needed them most, the partner who shattered your trust, or the friend who turned their back when times got tough. Through my work as a counselor and my own messy journey toward healing, I’ve discovered that forgiveness isn’t about forgetting – it’s about freeing yourself from the prison of pain that someone else built.
In this raw and honest guide, we’ll explore everything from acknowledging your deepest wounds and setting healthy boundaries, to rebuilding trust (even if it’s just with yourself). I’m not here to offer you quick fixes or empty platitudes. Instead, I want to share real, tested strategies that helped me and countless others find peace again. Because here’s the truth: you deserve to stop letting that person live rent-free in your head, and I’m going to show you how to evict them, one step at a time.
1. Understanding Why Forgiveness Matters
I spent three years letting unforgiveness slowly poison every aspect of my life. My sleep suffered, my relationships became strained, and that constant knot in my stomach became my closest companion. Like many people struggling with how to forgive someone who hurt you, I didn’t realize that by holding onto my hurt, I was drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
The Bible speaks profoundly to this in Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” At first, these words felt like an impossible demand, until I understood that forgiveness is more about our healing than the other person’s redemption.
Research shows that unforgiveness affects everything from our immune system to our heart health. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack filled with rocks – each grudge adds another stone until we’re bent over from the weight. Colossians 3:13 reminds us to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Through counseling and prayer, I discovered that forgiveness isn’t about excusing the inexcusable – it’s about choosing freedom over the prison of bitterness. As Mark 11:25 teaches, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
2. Acknowledging Your Pain
The day I found those messages on my husband’s phone, my world imploded. My hands shook as I read through conversations that rewrote five years of what I thought was a happy marriage. The journey to learn how to forgive someone who hurt you begins with acknowledging the depth of your pain, not minimizing it.
Psalm 34:18 offers comfort here: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” This verse became my lifeline when well-meaning friends urged me to “just get over it” or “move on.” God doesn’t ask us to pretend we’re not hurt; He meets us in our pain.
Think of emotional wounds like physical ones – you wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. You’d acknowledge the injury, seek proper treatment, and give it time to heal. Lamentations 3:19-23 resonates with this truth: “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed.”
In my support group, we practice what we call “sacred honesty” – creating space to name our hurts before God and trusted others. This aligns with James 5:16: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
3. Separating the Person from the Action
One of the most challenging conversations I had was with my therapist when she asked me to consider my husband’s humanity, even in his betrayal. Understanding how to forgive someone who hurt you often requires this difficult step of seeing the whole person, not just their worst actions.
Jesus exemplified this on the cross when He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). This doesn’t excuse their actions, but it acknowledges the complex reality of human brokenness. Even in their worst moments, people are more than their mistakes.
I started a practice of writing down memories of good times, moments of kindness, and evidence of humanity in the person who hurt me. This exercise wasn’t about minimizing the wrong; it was about resisting the urge to demonize them entirely. Ephesians 4:32 guides us here: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Looking back at my own life, I had to acknowledge times when I had hurt others, even unintentionally. This reflection helped me understand Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We’re all capable of both great love and terrible hurt. This realization doesn’t make the pain less real, but it helps break down the walls of “us versus them” thinking that can keep us stuck in unforgiveness.
Through prayer and counseling, I learned to hold two truths simultaneously: what they did was wrong, AND they are still a human being created in God’s image. This perspective doesn’t require us to restore trust or rebuild relationships, but it frees us from the burden of hatred.
4. Rewriting Your Story
For months after the betrayal, I introduced myself as “the woman whose husband left her for her best friend.” It became my identity, my story’s opening line. But one Sunday morning, our pastor shared something that shifted my perspective: “You are not what happened to you; you are who God says you are.” Learning how to forgive someone who hurt you often begins with reclaiming your narrative.
Isaiah 43:18-19 speaks powerfully to this: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” This isn’t about denying what happened, but about choosing which part of the story to emphasize. Are you the victim of betrayal, or the survivor who learned to love again?
I started journaling, pouring out my pain but also intentionally writing about my growth, strength, and the unexpected blessings that emerged from my darkest days. 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
The transformation really began when I stopped asking “Why did this happen to me?” and started asking “What can I learn from this?” Romans 8:28 assures us that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” Even our deepest wounds can become wellsprings of wisdom and compassion for others.
5. Setting Healthy Boundaries
The church small group leader looked confused when I declined to join the same Bible study as my former friend. “But shouldn’t forgiveness mean everything goes back to normal?” she asked. Understanding how to forgive someone who hurt you doesn’t mean removing all boundaries – sometimes, it means creating stronger ones.
Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This scripture became my foundation for establishing healthy boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to put yourself in situations where you’re likely to be hurt again.
Think of boundaries like a fence around a garden. The fence isn’t there out of bitterness; it’s there to protect what’s valuable. Just as Jesus sometimes withdrew from crowds to protect His peace (Luke 5:16), we too need to create safe spaces for our healing.
I learned to set clear boundaries with phrases like, “I forgive you, but I need space to heal” or “I wish you well, but I cannot be part of that situation.” These boundaries align with the wisdom of Matthew 10:16, which calls us to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
6. Practicing Self-Compassion
Looking in the mirror one morning, I caught myself whispering, “You should have seen it coming. You should have known better.” The hardest part of learning how to forgive someone who hurt you can be forgiving yourself. Often, we’re our own harshest critics.
The Bible shows us God’s heart for gentle self-care in Mark 12:31, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Notice it assumes we love ourselves – not with pride, but with the same compassion we’d offer a dear friend. Would you tell a friend they “should have known better” after being betrayed?
I started practicing what I call “compassionate truth-telling,” based on Psalm 139:14: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Each day, I would speak truth over myself: “Yes, I was hurt. No, it wasn’t my fault. Yes, I’m learning and growing stronger.”
This journey taught me that self-compassion isn’t selfish; it’s essential for healing. As 1 Peter 5:7 encourages, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” God’s care for us should teach us how to care for ourselves.
7. Choosing Daily Forgiveness
Some mornings, I wake up and have to forgive all over again. That’s something nobody told me about forgiveness – it’s not always a one-time decision but a daily choice. When learning how to forgive someone who hurt you, understanding this ongoing nature of forgiveness can be both challenging and freeing.
Matthew 18:21-22 speaks to this when Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive: “Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'” This isn’t about keeping count but understanding that forgiveness is often a process rather than a single moment.
I developed what I call my “release ritual,” inspired by Philippians 3:13-14: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” Each morning, I consciously choose to release any bitterness that may have crept back in overnight.
The beautiful truth is that each time we choose forgiveness, it gets a little easier. Psalm 30:5 promises that “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” This daily choice to forgive isn’t about the other person anymore – it’s about maintaining the freedom we’ve fought so hard to gain.
Conclusion:
Remember, forgiveness isn’t a destination – it’s a journey that unfolds one choice at a time. Through these seven steps, we’ve explored not just how to forgive, but how to heal and grow stronger through the process. Whether you’re at the beginning of your journey or somewhere along the path, know that choosing forgiveness isn’t about condoning what happened; it’s about choosing freedom for yourself.
As someone who has walked this path, I can tell you that while the journey isn’t easy, it’s worth every step. The weight of unforgiveness is too heavy to carry through life. So take that first step today – whether it’s acknowledging your pain, setting a healthy boundary, or simply admitting that you want to forgive but don’t know how. Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly; you just have to start. Your journey to freedom begins with a single choice.
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